What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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