She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
