fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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