Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
