You're my little dorito
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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