He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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