I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
