Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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