Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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