how can u be prego again
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
