You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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