I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize