it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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