Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
