Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
