He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
