I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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