I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
