i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
