Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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