did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
