wat bout pragnant strippers??
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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