i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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