she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
