Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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