Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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