Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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