Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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