The maid of honor just puked.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
