I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
