This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
