my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
