you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
