I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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