I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
