god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
