She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
