I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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