im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
