I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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