Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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