I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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