do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
