remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
