he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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