it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
