I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
