I haven't been this sober since birth.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize