How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize