what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize