It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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