I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wish you could order shots online.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
