Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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