How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
