We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
