they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize