I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
